Worn Out Sneakers.

I put on my old running shoes last night. The ones with the holes in the sides from my wide feet and the laces that are so ratty and torn up that they barely stay tied together, I wasn’t even planning on running like I did last night. I went to the gym to lift like usual and maybe hit the treadmill for a little bit. I was stuck in a Shameless Netflix hole and didn’t get to the gym until a little after 8 pm. I thought they closed at midnight (thanks roomie!), turns out they closed at 9. I finished lifting and was still a little hyped up from my pre workout so I figured a run at night around my campus couldn’t hurt. I took my headphones out and just started to run. My pace was a little faster than what I’ve been running on the treadmill, off and on for the last two months or so. But it didn’t hurt like I thought it would. I felt.. peaceful, tranquil. It was so quiet as I ran, with the stars above me, it was a feeling I hadn’t felt in months, maybe years. The first mile came and passed and I was feeling great, that runners high was back. Halfway through the second mile, I began to feel it. My muscles aching and my old grandma hips complaining and begging me to stop. But I kept going. And it was that feeling, the easy carelessness, that caused me to find myself in the middle of my campus at 10pm on a Friday night, sweaty and panting, yelling up at the sky. I probably looked like a crazy person but I didn’t care. Everything that I had been feeling for about two years or so, I just let it all out. I was standing in a neon sports bra and shorts with shoes with holes in them, talking to God for the first time in years. It wasn’t in my plan for the night but in this moment, it just felt right. I’m alive, I’m here. And I just thought He should know that. 

I have come to realize lately that it’s all about perspective. I am not broken; I am healing. I am feeling. It sounds so cliché but I swear standing there, it was like He was right there with me. He was the breeze that blew around me and He was in the stars twinkling above me. I found the feeling that I think I have been searching for in the last few years, maybe even my whole life. The feelings that I searched for in bottles and people and relationships I should’ve stayed far, far away from. How I felt when I bought things I didn’t need with money I didn’t have, was just a temporary sort of joy. Becoming a person who I was ashamed of; a person who stayed away from her family because I was terrified to death that they would see who I had become too; a lost soul trapped in the noise of the world. 

I’m not really sure what the point of this post was but it has been six months since I wrote on this lil blog of mine and when I finished my run, writing something just made sense. I can’t take back the mistakes of my past, especially the ones made in 2016, but these last six months, moving to a new state and starting over again, has refreshed me. I have a new focus, a new passion, and moving forward, I am curious to see what comes in my future. I am not perfect, I am far from it. I’m just a girl who has learned a lot from my mistakes and I am ready to share and talk about my experiences because if an impromptu run on a Friday night can save me, maybe I can help save someone too. 

I ran four miles last night. I’m not fast like I used to be but as life goes on and we grow and become the people God has meant for us to be, I don’t think we are ever supposed to go back to the people we were because that would be counterproductive of His plan. My shoes fell off around mile 3 because of those ratty old shoe laces and I stopped and looked back at them and just kept running. I’ve had those shoes for the last four years and like lots of things, they too needed to be left in the past. I ran the last mile in socks that didn’t match and I didn’t have a care in the world, I was free at last. When I was done stretching, I just stood at the entrance to my dorm with “The End or Start Again?” by Mod Sun playing on my phone, grateful. Grateful I found Him again and that He is still there after witnessing all the awful mistakes I have made. Grateful for a God who still listens even though I am far from deserving. Grateful for gyms that close early and for a pair of old sneakers that lasted through four years of runs and lifting only to be tossed in a closet, forgotten until I couldn’t find my favorite pair again and then taken out for one last, unexpected run.

I drove to the beach this morning and saw that those old sneaks of mine are still sitting on the side of University Boulevard, right where I left them. I smiled to myself and drove on. Life right? God, actually.  

And I’m alive. I’m here. I’m back. Renewed.

XOXO,

Katie

Why I Broke Up With Tinder

I just need to clear my mind, clear the endless space running through this place. I’ve been living life in rewind lately, memories racing and filled with regret. My friends tell me that I haven’t been myself but for the sake of honesty, I cannot remember the last time I was myself. I don’t even know if I ever really know who I was. I feel like I’ve just been showing the parts of my self the world wants to see. I keep so much of myself hidden and frankly I am damn tired of hiding. I never fully understood the whole “finding yourself” thing until this past year. If I really want to find myself, I need to be brutally honest with my failures and mistakes and I need to make peace with the ghosts of my past.

I deleted Tinder about two months ago. I had it for over a year and for those who know me, they know that I pride myself on the amount of matches I had. My girlfriends and I would compete with each other to see who would get the most matches and for a long time, I was in the lead. I thought it was fun, to portray myself as this carefree girl but again, I don’t think I am as carefree as I thought. It was fun to be chased. I would have several different boys I would be talking to every day and several dates a week. But I kept going from one to another. I would get bored or they would decide that they didnt want me. But I was okay with that. On to the next swipe right. I would thrive off the validation and attention from boys whose names I no longer remember and whose beds have been long cold. 

I would smile and laugh and flirt my way through but after, I would feel so low, it was like I wasn’t feeling anything at all. I would ditch my friends to go meet up with a different boy. At the height of it all, I was seeing five different guys within a month. My friends were worried. I stopped going out with them. I would ignore their texts or pretend I was sleeping when they knocked on my door. I was in the middle of a terrible self loathing and there was a point where I no longer wanted to live. I could never act on it but there were several times where I truly wondered who would miss me. I came home from one of these dates around 3am at the end of March to find two of my closest friends sitting outside my dorm, crying. I didn’t realize that they were crying for me. The conversation that followed would break my heart completely, leaving the pieces shattered on the floor. But they had to break me so i could learn to fix myself. Because they were right. I deserved better than what I was getting and I was being someone I never wanted to be. I was being someone that I hope and pray to God that my future daughter never becomes. I was settling for late night “wyd” texts and boys I would never normally socialize with.

In my friend group, I am the life of the party. I’ve been told I’m obnoxious and I really have always thrived off of attention. Even in kindergarten, my teacher wrote on my report card that I am a people pleaser and would do anything for attention and praise from my peers and man was she right. I never saw it as a problem until recently. Because I have been so fixated on getting attention and being the girl that everyone likes, I never really figured out who I am. 

There’s a stereotype that girls on Tinder are looking for self-validation and as embarrassing as this is to say, I will admit, that at least for me, it’s true. I’ve always thought I was a pretty confident person but there is something about getting match after match after match and heart eyes emoji and dates on Saturday nights that makes me feel so good, for awhile at least. But I now know that I was using Tinder as a distraction, to make me feel something when all I’ve been feeling is nothing.

A boy told me once that I am undateable. That I am just a good time. Something fun to be had until something better comes along. He was right. He was right in the sense that I have always dated boys who have never seen me as a priority. I have always been the backup plan, the option until someone better than me arrives. It’s just as much their fault, as it is mine. Because I have never really respected myself enough to let go of boys who refuse to see my worth. 

I deleted Tinder because I no longer want to be seen as an option; just another girl in your long list of matches. I deleted Tinder because I need to learn to respect myself, to love myself, to find myself. I can’t do any of that while being this beautiful, carefree girl that everyone else sees. I deleted Tinder because in my experience, those boys were not boys I should have been dating and lets be real, most boys on there are college aged just looking for their new slam piece for a few months until they get tired or bored or busy or find somebody new. And I don’t know about you but I am sick and tired of this damn hookup culture. I was a part of it but now I’m done with it.

I am still learning. I am still growing. I am still hopeful that one day I will find someone who will see me as a priority and will actually treat me well. Until then, I am unfinished. He was right. I am undateable. I am undateable because I am realizing my value. I am finding my voice. I no longer ask someone to stay with me even after they say they’re done. I deleted over 100 c0ntacts and pictures of boys who are no longer a part of my life. I won’t lie, deleting a few of them was difficult but it needed to be done. I am starting over, a fresh plate, a clean slate. I am working on myself, for myself, by myself. Because one day, I will meet my game changer, if I haven’t already and I want to be ready. I want to be dateable.

xoxo

Katie

 

Are You There God? It’s Me.

I’ve let the sadness creep back in again lately. It was quiet, a slow crawl to my soul that shakes and rattles my core. It moves slowly and comes when I’m alone. When my day is over and I shut my door, it’s there. Waiting. Mocking me as if to say, “you thought you could escape me but surprise, you can’t.” It’s there when I turn on the saddest old country songs loudly and sink to the floor in my shower as if the scolding hot water can wash all the dirt and filth off of me. I sit there, hugging my knees and rocking back and forth for hours as the day fades to night and my Bose speaker dies leaving me in silence with nothing but my own thoughts running through my head. I stare at the drain, the circle of water swirling down it, hoping and wishing that the drain could take all my pain away too. That the dirtiness and filthiness and mistakes and regrets can be washed away too. But it can’t. It’s not 8 gallons of water that will take these burdens off me, I know.

I’ve slipped. I knew it all along but I thought I could hide the sadness behind my friendships. I thought the more outgoing I became, the smaller it would get. I let myself get swept away in kisses from too many boys all in the hopes that even the smallest bit off affection could take away what I’ve been feeling. I became someone I never wanted to be. I held my distance. I took the shots and tried to withstand the fall. It’s taken me five months to admit to this. When the sad moments came and it took all my strength to pull myself off the floor. He was there, knocking on the door, saying “Let me in. I can take all this off you. Just let me back in.” But I slammed he door in His face and went about my way. I’ve written about the brokenness and the sadness before. I’ve written about what it was like to be lost and then found and I’ve always thought it could be an inspiration to others. That’s not what I want anymore. I am not someone that people should look up to because I am a mess. I’ve turned my back on everything and everyone that was there for me and I don’t know how to turn it all back around.

I think this is the part where I turn back to God but I think my pride is getting in the way. I want to be the one to take care of myself and everything and everyone around me and I think that’s where I’m failing. I’m spreading myself too thin and everyone is just taking a piece of me, a piece that I won’t get back. It’s like a game I play every day. I wake up and it’s like, “hey how many pieces of myself can I give away today?” I can’t get it back. It’s like I’m trying to climb up a mountain but without anything to hold on to, I’m just trying to scratch and crawl my way to the top. I can just see God laughing at that right now, a tiny girl trying to climb onto something that is 1000x bigger than her. I think that’s all of us though. We are all trying to climb mountains of life that are bigger than us and we think we can do it on our own, but we can’t. We can’t do it on our own. We think we’re getting somewhere, that we’re making our way up the mountain but we slip. We lose our grasp and the pebbles fall and then the pebbles turn to rocks and we are bloody and beaten. We are dirty, hanging on for dear life. And then we drop.

I’ve been dropping for awhile God, and I gave up. For a few moments, every time, I give up. I hang my head. I beg and plead and cry to not be covered in the dirt anymore but that won’t get me anywhere. I know it’s You, I need. And I know I’m a filth covered sinner who doesn’t deserve you. I make mistakes and lately it seems like everything I touch, breaks. Every person, every heart. Maybe that’s You trying to get me to come back to You. And I’m sorry, I left. But I’m coming back. That counts for something right God? I may have left but you never left me and now I’m coming back God okay? And I know I have no right to ask for anything but God, can you use me for something? Clean the dirt off me and dust my heart off.  Make me beautiful again and mold me and shape me into something that can be of use to You. Take my brokenness and sadness and make me whole again. That’s what I want God, to be a part of something greater than myself. Make me greater than myself God.

xoxo.

katie

 

 

Because Of You

“I’ve been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down and it’s taking me this long but I’ve finally figured you out.”

You’re the only one who has ever had the power to break my heart in pieces with just a few words. You’re the only one who can walk in the door of my life, walk out and then walk back in as if nothing has changed. Sometimes, I hate myself for giving someone who doesn’t even know me anymore so much control of my life. Because you are the one who shattered my illusion of love before any boy even got the chance to. You’re the one who helped build the tower around my heart and castle around my dreams and because of you, this Rapunzel does not know how to let down her hair. 

I give and give and you take and take and take and it makes me wonder; how many more pieces of myself can you take before I break completely. I’m just a thread of who I used to be; frayed and damaged and barely hanging on. You are a fire, burning me up as you consume my every thought. You are a pill I cannot swallow, a memory I cannot forget. You are the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn; that sometimes the ones who are always supposed to love you are the ones who can hurt you the most.

A little girl grew up too fast; watching her world fall apart around her. She spent years trying to put it back together, super gluing the fragments of her heart back together only for them to fall apart again. One step forward; three steps backward. I’m fine. I’m fine. Lies. She learned how to carry those around her; after all you were the one who taught her that she is the rock, the one to be leaned on. Your tears. Your screams. The hurtful words. She took and took the onslaught and carried you; when you were the one who was supposed to carry her. She marches on, adding more rocks along the way. You were the first and you won’t be the last. She learned at an earlier age than most, just how easy it is to hide behind a smile, a laugh, a sarcastic comment. You can’t see who she really is, hell she doesn’t even know who she is because you, you never gave her the chance to grow up and find out. No she had to become an adult overnight thanks to you.

You emptied her. You took the life she was supposed to live and destroyed it. You shattered her dreams and crushed her hopes and broke her heart. Because you are the only one who can make her cry years of tears with a sentence. You are the only one who can make her question every relationship; because if you can find a reason to leave her surely someone else can too. You drop off the face of the Earth, without a regard to those who were around you. You are a hurricane, wind whipping the souls of those who loved you around and pouring rain on their hearts.

“I might believe you if I didn’t know, if you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold, and you got your share of secrets and I’m tired of being last to know and now you’re asking me to listen cause it’s worked each time before.”

You are scared and you want to run and she gets it; because when she is scared, she runs too. She runs at commitment and the L-word and boys who treat her too well because you taught her that all good things must come to an end. But the difference between her and you is she doesn’t want to run anymore. Because she learned from your mistakes. Because she saw you stumble and fall; because she saw you give up the fight; because she saw you walk out; because she watched you steal her childhood; because she saw you take and take and take and take and take until there was nothing left for you to steal. Because she held you when you cried; because she took your cruel words; because she blinked and took the hits; because she was the adult while you were the child. Because of you she will always wonder. Wonder what it’s like to accept things as they are and people for as flawed as they are. She will always wonder about you and what could have, should have and would have been. Because of your mistakes; your failures; the hardness of the youth you gave her showed her how she doesn’t want to live her life. Because of you, she is going to learn to love. Because of you, her life will have a meaning that cannot be defined. Because of you, she is a fighter, even when all the cards are stacked against her. It was all because of you.  

xoxo.

kkb.

It Was Never Me

I used to carry the mistakes of others around in the basket of my heart, each mistake added only made the weight heavier. I wore a backpack full of secrets and lies and sad eyes up the mountain everyday. Walking became harder. Breathing was a struggle; like I was drowning under the pressure to be everything to everyone else. Add another rock to my load, I won’t break. 

You always added the rocks, even after you were gone, you always found a way to add another rock. I never liked having to tiptoe around you. Careful of what I said. Cautious of what I did. Fearful that one wrong move would break you. It was like playing a game of chess that I would always lose. 

I thought it was me. For a really long time, I thought it was me. I thought I was the problem but really you were  the mistake I couldn’t fix. I tried super gluing you together. I thought fixing you would keep me from being broken. That holding you together would keep me together. I thought love could do it. I thought you could be like one of those beautiful stained glass pieces you see in cathedrals but what they didn’t tell me was that you were already broken before you got to me and no amount of super glue or pretty paint could fix that. 

Because of you, I learned at a young age how to play hide and seek. This wasn’t the innocent hide behind a tree and count to 10, oh no. This was the “your eyes are cloudy and your hands are shaking so I will sit in my closet so I don’t break you.” Playing chess with your soul was not my intentions for my childhood. 

I lost that game of hide and seek with you and maybe that’s why I continued to play hide and seek throughout my teenage years. Like I needed to make up for that one loss. But I’m not interested in hide and seek anymore. No more hiding. I just want to seek and I want someone to seek me. 

I always thought it was me. That I was the reason for you leaving. The reason no one ever got close enough to stay. Like I was walking around with caution tape around me that everyone else could see but I couldn’t. Neon lights flashing, “stay away from her.” I thought it was me. All those years. I thought it was my fault. It took me 20 years to realize, to fully realize, that it was never me. You were the one who made the mistakes, the choices, the decisions. I was just an innocent pawn used in your game in your hell fire game of chess.

I used to think that I wasn’t good enough for her but looking back I realize I was wrong, she was the one who wasn’t good enough for me. The thing about having your heart-broken when you’re a child, when the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally don’t, it makes you one of the resilient ones. When you know what its like to watch your world come crashing down around you, it makes you one of the fighters. Two options. We all have two options. To let our circumstances defeat us or let our circumstances make us stronger.

The thing about humans is we build castles with our fears and sleep in them like kings and queens but we don’t have to live out our lives defined by the damaging things that have happened to us. I get it. We’ve all been there. We’ve all had that moment when we think to ourselves, “just how much more can I take? just how much more are you gonna throw at me God?” And that’s the thing. We throw it all back to Him in a pity match of why me’s and victim cards. When it all comes down to it, down to the core of it all, I don’t want to live my life full of victim cards and pity matches and blame games. God’s given me the story He’s written for a reason. It’s not doing anyone any good by keeping it to myself. It’s selfish of my to keep the heartbreaks and trials and battles lost and triumphs to myself. I want to use my story, I want God to use me and at the end of it all, when all is said and done and I meet my Maker, I hope that I can look at Him and He can be grateful that He gave a story to someone who used every ounce of her talent to share it. 

xoxo

kkb.