I just need to clear my mind, clear the endless space running through this place. I’ve been living life in rewind lately, memories racing and filled with regret. My friends tell me that I haven’t been myself but for the sake of honesty, I cannot remember the last time I was myself. I don’t even know if I ever really know who I was. I feel like I’ve just been showing the parts of my self the world wants to see. I keep so much of myself hidden and frankly I am damn tired of hiding. I never fully understood the whole “finding yourself” thing until this past year. If I really want to find myself, I need to be brutally honest with my failures and mistakes and I need to make peace with the ghosts of my past.
I deleted Tinder about two months ago. I had it for over a year and for those who know me, they know that I pride myself on the amount of matches I had. My girlfriends and I would compete with each other to see who would get the most matches and for a long time, I was in the lead. I thought it was fun, to portray myself as this carefree girl but again, I don’t think I am as carefree as I thought. It was fun to be chased. I would have several different boys I would be talking to every day and several dates a week. But I kept going from one to another. I would get bored or they would decide that they didnt want me. But I was okay with that. On to the next swipe right. I would thrive off the validation and attention from boys whose names I no longer remember and whose beds have been long cold.
I would smile and laugh and flirt my way through but after, I would feel so low, it was like I wasn’t feeling anything at all. I would ditch my friends to go meet up with a different boy. At the height of it all, I was seeing five different guys within a month. My friends were worried. I stopped going out with them. I would ignore their texts or pretend I was sleeping when they knocked on my door. I was in the middle of a terrible self loathing and there was a point where I no longer wanted to live. I could never act on it but there were several times where I truly wondered who would miss me. I came home from one of these dates around 3am at the end of March to find two of my closest friends sitting outside my dorm, crying. I didn’t realize that they were crying for me. The conversation that followed would break my heart completely, leaving the pieces shattered on the floor. But they had to break me so i could learn to fix myself. Because they were right. I deserved better than what I was getting and I was being someone I never wanted to be. I was being someone that I hope and pray to God that my future daughter never becomes. I was settling for late night “wyd” texts and boys I would never normally socialize with.
In my friend group, I am the life of the party. I’ve been told I’m obnoxious and I really have always thrived off of attention. Even in kindergarten, my teacher wrote on my report card that I am a people pleaser and would do anything for attention and praise from my peers and man was she right. I never saw it as a problem until recently. Because I have been so fixated on getting attention and being the girl that everyone likes, I never really figured out who I am.
There’s a stereotype that girls on Tinder are looking for self-validation and as embarrassing as this is to say, I will admit, that at least for me, it’s true. I’ve always thought I was a pretty confident person but there is something about getting match after match after match and heart eyes emoji and dates on Saturday nights that makes me feel so good, for awhile at least. But I now know that I was using Tinder as a distraction, to make me feel something when all I’ve been feeling is nothing.
A boy told me once that I am undateable. That I am just a good time. Something fun to be had until something better comes along. He was right. He was right in the sense that I have always dated boys who have never seen me as a priority. I have always been the backup plan, the option until someone better than me arrives. It’s just as much their fault, as it is mine. Because I have never really respected myself enough to let go of boys who refuse to see my worth.
I deleted Tinder because I no longer want to be seen as an option; just another girl in your long list of matches. I deleted Tinder because I need to learn to respect myself, to love myself, to find myself. I can’t do any of that while being this beautiful, carefree girl that everyone else sees. I deleted Tinder because in my experience, those boys were not boys I should have been dating and lets be real, most boys on there are college aged just looking for their new slam piece for a few months until they get tired or bored or busy or find somebody new. And I don’t know about you but I am sick and tired of this damn hookup culture. I was a part of it but now I’m done with it.
I am still learning. I am still growing. I am still hopeful that one day I will find someone who will see me as a priority and will actually treat me well. Until then, I am unfinished. He was right. I am undateable. I am undateable because I am realizing my value. I am finding my voice. I no longer ask someone to stay with me even after they say they’re done. I deleted over 100 c0ntacts and pictures of boys who are no longer a part of my life. I won’t lie, deleting a few of them was difficult but it needed to be done. I am starting over, a fresh plate, a clean slate. I am working on myself, for myself, by myself. Because one day, I will meet my game changer, if I haven’t already and I want to be ready. I want to be dateable.