I’ve let the sadness creep back in again lately. It was quiet, a slow crawl to my soul that shakes and rattles my core. It moves slowly and comes when I’m alone. When my day is over and I shut my door, it’s there. Waiting. Mocking me as if to say, “you thought you could escape me but surprise, you can’t.” It’s there when I turn on the saddest old country songs loudly and sink to the floor in my shower as if the scolding hot water can wash all the dirt and filth off of me. I sit there, hugging my knees and rocking back and forth for hours as the day fades to night and my Bose speaker dies leaving me in silence with nothing but my own thoughts running through my head. I stare at the drain, the circle of water swirling down it, hoping and wishing that the drain could take all my pain away too. That the dirtiness and filthiness and mistakes and regrets can be washed away too. But it can’t. It’s not 8 gallons of water that will take these burdens off me, I know.
I’ve slipped. I knew it all along but I thought I could hide the sadness behind my friendships. I thought the more outgoing I became, the smaller it would get. I let myself get swept away in kisses from too many boys all in the hopes that even the smallest bit off affection could take away what I’ve been feeling. I became someone I never wanted to be. I held my distance. I took the shots and tried to withstand the fall. It’s taken me five months to admit to this. When the sad moments came and it took all my strength to pull myself off the floor. He was there, knocking on the door, saying “Let me in. I can take all this off you. Just let me back in.” But I slammed he door in His face and went about my way. I’ve written about the brokenness and the sadness before. I’ve written about what it was like to be lost and then found and I’ve always thought it could be an inspiration to others. That’s not what I want anymore. I am not someone that people should look up to because I am a mess. I’ve turned my back on everything and everyone that was there for me and I don’t know how to turn it all back around.
I think this is the part where I turn back to God but I think my pride is getting in the way. I want to be the one to take care of myself and everything and everyone around me and I think that’s where I’m failing. I’m spreading myself too thin and everyone is just taking a piece of me, a piece that I won’t get back. It’s like a game I play every day. I wake up and it’s like, “hey how many pieces of myself can I give away today?” I can’t get it back. It’s like I’m trying to climb up a mountain but without anything to hold on to, I’m just trying to scratch and crawl my way to the top. I can just see God laughing at that right now, a tiny girl trying to climb onto something that is 1000x bigger than her. I think that’s all of us though. We are all trying to climb mountains of life that are bigger than us and we think we can do it on our own, but we can’t. We can’t do it on our own. We think we’re getting somewhere, that we’re making our way up the mountain but we slip. We lose our grasp and the pebbles fall and then the pebbles turn to rocks and we are bloody and beaten. We are dirty, hanging on for dear life. And then we drop.
I’ve been dropping for awhile God, and I gave up. For a few moments, every time, I give up. I hang my head. I beg and plead and cry to not be covered in the dirt anymore but that won’t get me anywhere. I know it’s You, I need. And I know I’m a filth covered sinner who doesn’t deserve you. I make mistakes and lately it seems like everything I touch, breaks. Every person, every heart. Maybe that’s You trying to get me to come back to You. And I’m sorry, I left. But I’m coming back. That counts for something right God? I may have left but you never left me and now I’m coming back God okay? And I know I have no right to ask for anything but God, can you use me for something? Clean the dirt off me and dust my heart off. Make me beautiful again and mold me and shape me into something that can be of use to You. Take my brokenness and sadness and make me whole again. That’s what I want God, to be a part of something greater than myself. Make me greater than myself God.