All The Things I Couldn’t Say To You 

You came in to my life just as fast as you left. If I had known what would happen, if  I could’ve chosen between loving you and letting you go, I would’ve let you go from day one. If I had known how much pain you would cause me, how hurt and unhappy I would be. If I could’ve just predicted the future than I would’ve been able to see; but love doesn’t discriminate. 

Love pulls you to someone even when you want to pull away from them. We are magnets, you and I, but you’re negative and I’m positive. Love comes through the most unexpected holes; in the middle of the night when you’re terrified to say those three little words and when you do they fill the air with the weight of the world. I kissed you in this moment, a moment I had never had, never felt before you. I could feel your tension, your nervousness, in that kiss. I pulled away and the spell was broken. It was real and magical, we were real and magical. 

And we continued to fall in love, day in and day out, deeper and deeper we tumbled down the rabbit hole together. Our time was cut short but we swore and promised up and down, that we would be okay, we would make it through, we could beat our odds. Always and forever, we pinky promised to each other.

But we were wrong or at least I was; because a zebra can’t change its stripes and love can’t fill all the holes. Secrets and lies destroy even the sturdiest bridges and sorry’s don’t fix anything when you don’t even try to fix what you are supposedly sorry for. I think I’ve figured you out by now. Maybe it was real but then the real world came knocking and you opened the door, pushed me away and locked me out. 

Maybe you hoped that if you pushed me away far enough that I would give up on you. Maybe you thought that if you could make me hate you, you could escape without an explanation, without the goodbye I deserve. But you were wrong, I don’t hate you, I feel sorry for you. Sorry that someone taught you how to be selfish and a coward and that you just lost the best thing you ever had while I can add you to the list of the worst things I ever had. I’m sorry that this is going to sting you for the rest of your life and how one day, you’ll look back and regret so terribly how you treated me. I’m sorry that I will be your biggest regret, the mistake that would take miles of courage to rebuild. 

And maybe you just don’t understand what selfish really is, maybe cowardice is your fear talking and you never learned any better. I will tell you about selfish people, and maybe then you will finally understand, finally get what you did to me.

“Even when they know they will hurt you, they walk into your life to taste you because you are the type of being they don’t want to miss out on. You are too much shine to not be felt; so when they have taken your skin, your hair, your secrets with them; when they realize just how much of a storm you are that’s when it hits them. That is when the cowardice sets in; that is when the person you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of what they are. That is when they lose every fighting bone in their body and leave after saying you will find better than me. You will stand there naked with half of them still hidden somewhere inside you and sob; asking them why they did it. Why they forced you to love them when they had no intention of loving you back and they’ll say something along the lines of I just had to try. I had to give it a chance. It was you after all.”

But that isn’t romantic, it isn’t sweet. The idea that they were so engulfed by your existence that they had to risk breaking it for the sake of knowing that they weren’t the one missing out. Your existence meant that little next to their curiosity of you. That is the thing about selfish people, that is the thing about you. You gambled my entire soul, my entire being to please your own. One second, you were holding me like the world in your lap and the next you belittled me to a mere picture, a moment, something of the past. One second, you swallowed me up and whispered that you wanted to spend the rest of my life with me but the moment you sensed fear you were halfway out the door, without having the nerve to let me go with grace as if my heart meant that little to you. And after all this, all the taking, the nerve. It’s sad and funny how you had more nerve to undress me with your fingers and whisper velvety lies in my ear than to pick up the phone and call; apologize for the loss, and that, was how you lost me.”

I will always wonder about what could have been if you only had the courage to love me fully. You were right, when you said I deserved better and I was wrong thinking that my love could fill your miserable heart and change you for the better. A person can’t make themselves better, can’t change if they don’t want to. You never loved me as much as you said you did and I realize that now. Thank you for showing me what true love isn’t like. Thank you for letting me down and not being what I needed. Thank you for becoming another number and someone who won’t matter to me one day. I am too full of life to be half loved and I am worthy of being shown off and cherished, things you never did. I will never know why you did it- why you made me love you when you knew you wouldn’t love me back; why you promised we would work when you knew we wouldn’t; why we said always and forever when you knew it was only temporary. And it’s going to take a long time but I’m going to learn how to let it go and let it be. I will never have the answers I want. I think sometimes we think we have to have a why- a reason but sometimes things just are. No reason, no why. And it’s not our job to play God and decipher the mystery that should just be and this is the hardest lesson I will learn. But I am done killing myself over people who would not die for me. 

I didn’t ask for much, for anything at all really. Just trust and honesty and most of all your love. I gave and gave and you took and took until I was empty yet you were still begging for more although I had nothing left to give. I lost myself in you and you didn’t have the courage to find me. You sucked my happiness away and made me question everything. But it wasn’t my fault, it was all yours. I did the best I could, I gave us everything I had and then some and still it wasn’t enough for you.

I won our “I love you more” game but this was a game I would’ve gladly lost. 


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