If Only.


Trust and honesty. The two go hand in hand. If there’s no honesty, then there’s little trust. But it’s hard to be honest when you’re terrified of the outcome. Words hurt but I think that the words left unsaid is what can hurt someone the most. You can wonder about all the what ifs; “if only I didn’t say that, if only I didn’t tell them the truth.” But if only you did.

If only you spoke up sooner. If only you bared your heart and soul, naked for once in your life. If only you knew that they were slipping away, sliding right through your fingertips. If only you could’ve been the one to catch them when they fell again. If only you could’ve been the one to save them from themselves.

But the what ifs, and if onlys, and all that we could have, would have and should have beens, will keep you up at night. It’s a slow creep in to your mind just when you convince yourself that you would be better off without them and it stays there until you’re convinced that you could never forget them. That giving up on them means giving up on the possibility of a magical future.

And it’s a hard game, the back and forth. The grown up version of “he loves me, he loves me not” but instead of picking flower petals apart, you’re picking apart every text, every phone call, every kiss shared trying to decipher its meaning, overanalyzing things that are best left alone. 

And I know that this isn’t what you want to hear but darling, if they can take your happiness away when they don’t talk to you for days, if they can make you question your sanity and whether all the struggles are worth this relationship, that is the moment you know you have to let go. 

And it won’t be easy. Letting go is one of the hardest things anyone can do. You’re going to ugly cry to all the songs you used to listen to together while you wear his shirt. It’s going to feel like the end of the world and it is. It’s the end of the world as you knew it with him. But one day, without you even realizing it, you’ll be able to listen to those songs without crying. His shirt will be shoved to the back of your closet or better yet, thrown away. 

You’ll be able to go out with your friends without feeling the crushing weight of guilt and anxiety and eventually, somewhere along the way, you’ll meet someone who will love you so fiercely that you will then understand why it never worked out with anyone else. 

That is the person we are supposed to hold out for. The mythical game changer. Sure we read about him in novels and watch him in movies and we wonder, does a love so pure  even exist?  The answer is yes it does. It is wonderful and fierce love and can knock the wind out of you. You see, the thing about those writers who wrote those novels and movies is writers don’t write about the things they don’t believe in.

Great love stories exist. The game changers, they exist too. But to get to the best parts of your story, you have to experience heartbreak. You have to feel like you can never get up off your floor because you can never get over what you thought would be a great love. You have to experience failure and rejection and fear of losing and missing out on something incredible. Those emotions will be what motivates you. Those emotions will be what helps you let go, keep searching for the love you deserve and one day, when you’re ready to, move on to the person who you’ll never have to move on from.







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