You.

I’ve been dodging the questions about you for some time now. How can I give the answers to them when I barely even know what happened myself? One minute we were there, the next we weren’t. We were stuck in the rip tide, just barely above the surface and gasping for air. I thought you were my lifeline but you left me in the cold and let me drown.

I had always thought it was beautiful; to be able to put my life into words; until I met you. I had always been able to put my life into boxes. Everything had categories. There was my family and friends, my hopes and dreams. My hurts and fears had always been shelved. They were never touched. I didn’t talk about them; instead I let those boxes sit there covered in dust but you came in to my life like a gentle tornado, knocking those boxes down and dusting them off and opening them up all in the hopes of discovering what really went on behind this pretty face. And I let you. For the first time in my life, I willingly opened myself up in ways I never had before. And I always asked myself why. I never understood it and I don’t think you did either, but maybe this will help.

I think there comes a time in our lives when we are tired of holding on to our pasts. We  are tired of letting the wrong people into our lives. We are tired of letting the mistakes of others and disappointments and failed relationships control what our future looks like. We reach a point where we just want something new and fresh. We want to take chances and try to be little bit better than who we used to be. And we are different, you and I; the reasons and the ways we were hurt but it doesn’t matter. I mean that when I say it doesn’t matter for I have never been interested in comparing our pasts and seeing who is more “broken.” But I think I realized this sooner than you did. I realized that I didn’t want to let my past control my future. You may have wanted this too but you still held on to your ghosts. Baby, you can’t move on if you let those ghosts still haunt you. And all I ever wanted was for you to put them in their grave where they belonged and be free for once. I wanted to be the one to give your weary heart a break.

That cold February night, I spent three hours writing you a letter and when I was done, I called my best friend telling her how much of an idiot I was and that it was dumb thinking that a silly little letter could be our Hail Mary because you see even before you ended us, I had known it was coming all along. And I guess I read too many books and watch too many movies because naive little me didn’t realize that those things don’t work in real life. But she convinced me to keep the letter and give it to you but I was hoping that it wouldn’t get to that point. I packed up your things in the bag I would always bring over on the weekends and put the letter inside that gray sweatshirt, the one I would always wear to bed when we weren’t together. And we talked and laughed and talked some more and I had hope. We were swinging high up but then we came crashing down. So you gathered my things and walked me to my car and I gave you back your clothes, praying to whoever would listen that this letter stay in the shirt because the last thing I needed was for it to fall out, like everything else did that night. You were the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had and walking away from you broke me in two.

But it was cowardly, that letter and it makes me a hypocrite because I’m the one who always preaches about how we should say whatever is on our minds but with you, I couldn’t. You told me once that I terrified you but I don’t think you realized just how terrified I was too. You were uncharted territory, land waiting to be discovered. And you have your bumps and hills and hide behind the trees because it’s easier for you but I know, I know somewhere inside the bruised land you live in, that you are aching to be discovered as well, even if you can’t admit it yet. And if I could take that letter back, I would. I would take it back and just tell you to your face exactly how I feel. But I was too scared to tell you I love you because I was terrified that it would scare you off. I was terrified that you weren’t ready; that your wounds hadn’t been healed yet. I was terrified that I was just a rebound and that I really didn’t mean much more to you than just a good time and someone to get along with. So I held off and held it in. I was the strong one, braving your storm. I wanted so badly to make it all better for you and to take the pain of your past away from you.

You asked me that night if I meant it when I said that no matter how far people may wander from each other, if two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back to each other. You should know better than anyone that I always mean what I say. I’ve never really been a believer in the whole right people, wrong timing thing. That is, until I met you.

It took me two months to write this. Mostly because I know you’ll read it and I am terrified of how it will make you feel. See I don’t want to cause any more problems for you so I held myself back for two months and I hope you understand, that I can’t hold myself back for people anymore. And maybe you’ll think I’m crazy but trust me when I say that my overactive mind has overthought every possible outcome of this and I’ve made peace with it. You were a part of my life and it’s not something I can hide or erase or put in a box because it meant something to me; you mean something to me. And I wouldn’t be doing anyone any favors by acting like we never happened.

I walked away and I hope and pray to God that you’re doing well. Because even if it’s not with me, I just want you to be happy and I want you to do whatever it takes to find happiness and reach your full potential because I could never forgive myself if I took you away from your dreams. That’s part of why I fell in love with you, seeing how passionate you are towards your goals and that’s also why I walked away from you and didn’t fight as hard as I could have. But I meant it when I said that people come back. My life is a testament to that, people leave and they come back. Some people you just don’t give up on, even when they think that you’re better off without them. Some people are worth the wait. You are worth the wait.

xoxo.

katie