I thought about you today. Truth is, I think about you a lot, probably way more than I should admit.
I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be the kind of person you want me to be, the kind of person I should be.
I’m sorry that I don’t know how to show up for you. I let the missed calls stack up and the unopened texts and the emails I can’t respond to. I want to be the person who can show up, who can open up and let you in.
But I can’t and the guilt kills me. I heard someone say once that one day we are going to regret the missed calls and the texts and emails we don’t respond to. I don’t want to regret anything but I already know I will because I already am.
I don’t know how to talk to people. I’m not the awkward girl who can’t make small talk but rather, I am the girl who will take a simple conversation of “how are you?” and turn it into the stars and the meaning of life and if we ever end up truly happy or if we even know what true happiness is. I think when it all comes down to it, I’m just scared. Scared of failure and disappointing others. Scared of being left again. Scared of letting love in. I am the first to put my self worth into the validation of others and I wish I didn’t.
I want to reply to you because I want to let you in but I am so scared. I’m scared of when the truth will come out because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am a people pleaser. I want everyone around me to be happy, even if it means sacrificing my own self happiness. My entire life I have put everyone else before me. My parents, my friends, my siblings. I spent my youth forever afraid of disappointing and failing those around me.
I’ve recently started to learn that I need to put myself first. I can’t keep living my life to make others happy because their happiness is not my happiness. Not everyone is going to agree with what I want for my life and I can’t keep trying to justify my dreams to people who can’t see it. That’s a hard pill to swallow because sometimes the people we want to believe in us and support us the most, are the people who can’t visualize our dreams.
I don’t really know what to say to you; how can I open myself up to someone who missed so much of my life? But I want to. Because maybe, despite it all, despite my fears of failure and disappointment and love and leaving, maybe I still think you’re a good person. A good person who made a mistake. We all make mistakes. We all hurt people and we are all victims of our circumstances. I am in no place to hold that over your head. After all, I know I wouldn’t want someone to hold my mistakes over me.
I don’t know how to be the girl who shows up. But I want to learn. I want to try. That counts for something right? Even though I am afraid, I still want to try. And maybe at the end of it all, even if I fail or get hurt, I still tried. I still learnt how to be the girl that shows up.