I used to dream about my death. I know it’s morbid but I never thought about how I would die. I could picture my parents and siblings and friends and what they would say. I could see the dress I wore, a little black lace number. My hair was in curls and I had minimal makeup on. As my loved ones would reminisce on my life and who I was, I would rise up from the coffin, alive and confused, as if this was some sick joke. And then I would wake up.
Death is so unusual to me. It’s weird how one minute someone is here and planning for tomorrow but then tomorrow comes and they’re not here and all you’re left with are your memories of yesterdays. You remember how their hand felt in yours. You remember how they would hug and kiss you. You remember the wrinkle they would get in the middle of their forehead when they were deep in thought. You remember the way their eyes shone as they watched the sunset and the way they looked at you when they said, “don’t worry darling, for the sun will shine tomorrow. It may be dark now but it will be light again. Believe me, it will be light again.” But they never got to see that tomorrow. And life goes on and people move on and memories fade and that is my biggest fear in life.
You see, I am not afraid to die. I am not afraid to leave this world behind because I know where I will be going. I am afraid to die without doing something worth remembering. I am afraid I’ll pass and people will remember me for a few weeks or months but as they move on, they will forget about me. I am afraid of being forgotten. I want to live a life so bright and so full that when I do die, people can look at a star and think, “there she is. She isn’t gone. She’s still shining.” I want to shine so brightly that I can light up someone’s darkest night. I don’t need to be remembered by the whole world but I want to be remembered by someone. I want to impact someone’s life so greatly that they have no choice but to tell their children and grandchildren about me and that even after I’m gone, I can still live through those I’ve impacted. I think that that is all that any of us can hope for. And some day, I will shine like that star. I’ll be that light to someone. And one day, I hope that you can look at the sky and see me too.